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friends and foes

Reagan's slogan was good morning America but I'm not a morning person.  I never have been and I never will be haha.  I think I'll be a lot happier once I get a job and can feel like I'm allowed to sleep in.  If I wake up after 9, I freak out.  And I don't know why.  It's not a big deal but I have panic attacks like that.  I need to calm my mind.  If anything, lately I proved I'm good with strangers.  I'm better with them than my best friends that I've known for seven years.  I can introduce myself and make random conversation.  So why do I tend to feel inferior?  Heres my ego trip right now - I grew up.  I have a genius IQ.  I'm getting my second book published.  I finished 2 full years of college and I'm going back in August.  So really, what is my problem?  Why can't I calm my social anxiety?

I'm getting my tattoo at noon and I'm more nervous than I was with my first one.  I don't like tattoo parlors.  Hearing the needle.  It reminds me of the dentists offices.  And I feel flaky.  I couldn't think straight the past three days.  I blacked out during AIM conversations and how does that happen?

And peej hasn't been on.  Nor do I comprehend why I'm so eager to talk to him when our last conversation was so boring.  And he ignored me asking him out.  And that was putting myself out there which I never do.  And after tennis I realized, it's not being social that I've been needing.  I want more from my life and that's what's bothering me.  Becky is coming back since she graduated college so maybe we will go to the Jersey shore.  Shana wants to go shopping and I'm all for that.  I've kinda outgrown the "sit in the house and smoke" phase of my life.

I can't wait for our vacation although I don't remember where we are going besides Plymouth.  Newburry?  Home of John Cena?  Did my mom take Newport Road Island off her list?  I was reading something online while she was talking and only heard "Hotel, hot tub, pool" and that's enough for me.  I can't wait.

Edit: Peej went skeet shooting, four wheeling and bowling yesterday?  See when I used to say I wanted to hang out with my friends, I meant and do cool things like the yankees do.  It's not social contact I need, it's adventure but I don't want to ride the rollercoaster alone so to speak.  I'm so jealous now.  I want to be part of that.  The team thing.  And not a team that smokes and gossips but a team that does outdoorsy stuff.


Nov. 18th, 2010 03:22 pm (UTC)
*Wishing she knew who these people were or what the hell they were talking about because nothing in there comments refers to this entry . . .*

"What would you rather do, live as a monster or die as a good man?"

You like to think you are the best part of me but I confess, there is nothing left of you here.

Pardon me for saying so but you look more pitiful than I had ever imagined despite perfect fashion. And your photographs depict you so differently I always thought you would be, some sort of match for me.

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